I Am a Sinner (9/2/24)

A song of shame

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned

I’ve missed the mark by quite a bit

My starving flesh yearned long enough

It didn’t have to throw a fit

It wasn’t late, was barely tired

But long was I craving that love of mine

Named for your mother in classic form

Hardly excuse for my committed crime

She has not been given to me in marriage

Still months away from flesh conjoined

Yet my flesh rages to be one with hers

A cursed impatience to afflict my loins

All my life has lead to these trials

Of sexual frustration

Scabs of sins not long forgotten

A spiritual castration

I thank you for forgiving me

And shattering my chains

But lo the sting of malrepentance

Sends poison through my veins

This shame is the kind to threaten peace

To plunge me into despair

The kind our enemy surely hopes

Will contaminate the air

And as I choke I dare not call

Out to Your holy name

For who am I that I’d be loved

By You, my saving grace

But isn’t that the beauty then

Foretold in all Your Word

A patient, just, and loving God

Who’s mercy is unheard

Of all the times I’ve sinned You know

They’re written in that book

So I’ll have faith in the only One

These sins of mine He took

To think before I took a step

Onto this cursed earth

You saved my life eternally

And laid out what I’m worth

To You, at least, not on the stage

Where You take up the center

For in this tale You are the lead

A Hero brave and ever tender

Yet even now I’m tempted well

Allured by this old succubus

Burrowed deep within my flesh

It all feels so ridiculous

How can a sin so clearly wrong

Lure like an angler’s light

Her changing face and colored thongs

Leech from my skin just right

But right is wrong within these shadows

It’s all turned upside down

Lord save me from my heirloom sin

Each year passed like a crown

I felt it first when I was young

Not more than 9 years old

I had the means to search the web

“Naked women” I typed so bold

But not in any valiant way, no

Simply gross and risky for

My parents were not far from me

And yet I sought out porn

Why, I think, would I seek such a thing

My guess is things I’d seen

Either by chance or ignorance

That sullied my mind so green

With lustful thoughts to spur my change

From boy and then to man

Two decades passed and here I am

Still sick, so what’s the plan?

How can I stay away from her

For even just the thought

Of what she is and what we’ve done

Will tempt my flesh to rot

So what of these next few months then

Lord what ever shall I do

To combat this maddening lust for her

And just remain in You

Lord I beg and beg and plead

That I be chained by Your blood

So I cannot reach to feed this body

Weighed down to drown in flood

Kill my flesh Lord, take vengeance on me

For I am nothing good

I’m sick of being sick like this

And that, at least, I know I should

So what then, Lord, what must I do

To set a trap against myself

So when hell comes to pain my soul

It snaps and drains it of its health

Is there a way to set such a thing

Or does that lose the point

Of passing tests not meant to fail

By leaning on one’s joints

To keep them then from buckling down

While standing on two feet

But Lord You know what I mean to mean

A trap that makes my calling neat

Or is it wrong to detest my unkempt

Spirituality

Am I still trying to lean on myself

In reality?

God, my God, YHWH

Please hear my rawest prayers

I’m processing all this, it feels, at once

A tower of a thousand layers

Thank you Jesus for your word

That says I am forgiven

All wrongs toward me are blotted out

Forthwith I have forgotten

My heart is clear, my mind is clean

And I thank for this rest

I have in You, my God, my King

For You know what is best

I cannot save myself through words

Or poems such as these

But as my devotion to you, Lord God

I hope that you are pleased

You are my Audience of one

The only one I need

I pray for strength to turn away

From my body’s greed

There is nothing in this world

That will satisfy my soul

Beyond that which you have given us

A hope more rich than gold

I still feel sad, I want to go back

To last night’s failed attempt

To remain in you my precious God

Who apart from I wear self-contempt

Like weighted robes of thorns and sand

Grating at my spirit

Help me to accept the love

You showed me at that minute

Crowned with thorns and naked made

Bleeding the pains of the innocent

I have no excuse for what I’ve seen

No matter how things have changed since then

Generations committed adultery

Generations painted porn

Generations made the camera

Generations captured porn

Generations programmed the internet

Generations posted porn

Generations were always ignorant

Until they suffered themselves

So here I am, after generations

Same way out of these hells

JESUS SAVED ME FROM MY SIN

JESUS SAVED ME FROM MY SIN

JESUS SAVED ME FROM MY SIN

JESUS SAVED ME FROM MY SIN

JESUS DIED UPON THE CROSS

JESUS LAID SEIGED UPON THE GRAVE

JESUS ROSE UPON THE THIRD DAY

JESUS PAID THE PRICE UPON MY HEAD

I am no different than my fathers before me

In their time they had their own troubles

And so I will carry this flag of Jesus, I’m free

It’s this promise that makes my faith double

I cannot let my heart guide me

It is He who changes my heart

I cannot let my mind decide things

For the Word is a work of art

That cleanses the mind and softens the heart

That presses the soul and tears it apart

But my joy comes in the morning

For His favor lasts a lifetime

I must not, therefore, forget this truth

That Your blood had washed away my crime